I have frequently heard from friends, acquaintances, colleagues, or random strangers that I am a “Real Survivor”; or that I have had “SUCH AN INTERESTING LIFE!” When I was younger I couldn’t stand hearing comments like those. I’m sure that people had the best of intentions and were probably trying to be encouraging or thought that they were “cheering me on”. But in my head, the only thing that I HEARD was “wow your life must suck!” Over the last couple of decades, the last three years in particular; my view of being a “survivor” has really changed. I no longer really see it as a backhanded insult; but rather as a testament to my ability to bundle the traits that I’ve developed/accumulated/learned to use when I needed them (think Captain Planet style) to get through hardships sanely. Recently, I was randomly googling “What traits do all people who are considered to be “survivors” have in common?” I got several results that brought me to stereotypical magazine articles that mostly talked about the power of positive thought (which I’m all for – but I was looking for something more nuanced than that). Finally, I came across this brief list: https://successdotinc.com/2020/07/26/the-characteristics-of-survivors/. The more that I reviewed the list, the more that I started to frame my experiences through the lens of Acceptance, Independence, Optimism, Trust, and Resilience.

According to the author, acceptance is a trait that is common amongst survivors. “The survivor accepts himself and others. He doesn’t try to change people.” I have to say that this is the trait on the list that I LEAST see in myself. At least in terms of self-acceptance. I definitely struggle occasionally with letting how things ARE vs how I WISH they were impact how I see MYSELF. However, I have always been adept at ingesting facts and synthesizing quickly to determine the best course of action. One of my favorite books/movies of all time is “The Count of Monte Cristo” by Alexandre Dumas. Edmond Dantes’ streak of insanely bad luck, betrayal by his closest friend, his survival of the infamous Chateau d’If, and his ultimate escape from prison was full of challenges which he ultimately and tenaciously overcomes. (Of course he then declines mentally and gets obsessed with destructive and totally unhealthy vengeance but that’s not the part of the story that I’m thinking of…..) Like Edmond, I have been through several storms and managed to come out on the other side a little battered and salty, but mostly unscathed.

When I was a teenager, I had a hard time feeling accepted. I hung out with the “freaks”. A hodgepodge of punks, goths, Rocky Horror Picture Show enthusiasts, hippies, skateboarders, and other random nonconformists. As a result, I often got teased by the popular kids at school – and I even got plenty of ribbing from within some of those subcultural groups/cliques. At the TIME I didn’t feel accepted from the outside – but the experience did teach me that I had to be OK with who I was for ME – and not for anyone else. Because of the badgering I took in high school I was ultimately way more prepared to handle teaching middle and high school students. If you want an honest opinion on your looks – just wear a pair of pants that you aren’t quite sure about into your high school classroom. “Are you REALLY wearing those pants Ms. Hartmann? What is that?” If you can survive MULTIPLE generations of commentary on your fashion choices and STILL like your wardrobe – you’ll definitely gain confidence with or without the acceptance of others.

My marriage and divorce taught me a lot about acceptance too. Learning to accept myself for who I am and what I bring to the table in a relationship. The traumatic experience of my husband being struck by a pick up truck 2 months after our wedding; and me having to make split second decisions regarding saving his arm or not – was muscle-memory and a quick acceptance of reality. I made the tough choices without thinking. I accepted the options the trauma surgeon gave me as the only ones. I accepted that no one was helping me with the choice and that I only had a minute or less to give the direction/make the call. Quick acceptance of the facts allowed me to go on autopilot when I most had to. Now – more than 2 years later – I more readily understand that I DO accept things and people as they are and meet them there in a logical fashion. This has allowed me to think with my head when it’s most needed. It’s also why I always seem to get chosen to be on the Crisis Team(s) at work. Definitely not a task that I love or even LIKE – but I do tend to accept facts, keep a cool head, and just move on automatic when I have to. Like Edmond Dantes – you have to react when the storm comes – because it always will.

The second trait on the list is “Independence – A survivor doesn’t rely on others to solve his problems for him. He takes charge of his own life.“ I have always been fiercely independent. As a kid I was just as content coloring or doing a puzzle as I was playing pretend by myself. Sure – I had friends; but I never NEEDED them to entertain myself or occupy myself. I preferred independent things like swimming or dance rather than team sports. Being independent is great – when you first go away to college; or when you need to go buy your first car, or decide what color to paint your bedroom. But total independence can also be isolating. It can lead you to close yourself off.

Sometimes, being a survivor requires you to push forward and persevere alone. Often, I told my high school students from tough backgrounds that they had to look out for themselves because at the end of the day – no one else can make your choices for you. When the stakes are high, you have only yourself to cheer on or to blame for the actions that you take and the decisions that you make. One of the hardest parts of my divorce wasn’t the breaking up of a 20+ year relationship. It wasn’t losing my close connections with my husband’s family. It was losing almost my entire circle of friends. Nothing shows you how to be independent like starting a new job, moving, starting over, filing for divorce, and also cutting off all of the friendships that were connected to that relationship. Suddenly it was me alone making the decisions about what to make for dinner, how to pay the bills, where to live, what groceries to buy, what music to listen to, and how to spend everyday. I wasn’t considering anyone’s opinions or thoughts or how it would impact them. I had the skills to do it – and after the first couple of months it was actually liberating. I felt like I was living my own life for the first time in over a decade. I had cut an anchor off of my neck and felt lighter even though I was still grieving. I was clear-headed. Some people NEED constant approval or opinions or entertainment or social interaction. I’m not sure I would have made it through the last three years if I wasn’t able to entertain, care for, and maintain my career independently without anyone else’s approval. The flip side of that is that when you do go through Hell – and you do it ON YOUR OWN – it gives you a confidence that really makes you feel like you can tackle anything. It makes you a better educator, a better person, and a better friend to those that matter to you.

The third trait on the list is “Optimism …. A Survivor sees the good qualities that other people possess. He plans for the future with the mindset that there will be good things down the road.” My Senior year in High School I was voted as “Class Pessimist”. It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off. My peers labeled me a pessimist because I was a goth kid with long black hair who wore black and listened to Depeche Mode. But in reality I have always been an optimist to a fault – at least when it comes to my belief in other people’s strengths. The downside of this is that I have often given friends, colleagues, students, and certainly my ex-husband more chances than I should have. My optimistic belief that when given the opportunity that people will do the right thing has sometimes led me to heartbreak. But that unfailing belief in others’ strengths has also made my classroom a place where everyone’s abilities are seen in a brighter light than their deficits. Seeing the best in people – even when they don’t see it in themselves has been a constant in my life; for better or worse.

I have often felt that there is a thin line between optimism and foolishness. When you love a family member, partner, colleague, or student so much that you see their sense of humor, ingenuity, courage, or talent more clearly than you see their dishonesty, theft, inconsistency, flakiness, or addiction – optimism can keep you shackled to unnecessary pain for much longer than you should be. But that same optimism is exactly what keeps you going – it allows you to continue to put yourself out there. It makes you realize that just because one person or group has hurt or disappointed you – that it’s worth it to keep finding the joy and the good in others. Just because you were more foolishly optimistic than you should have been in one scenario – doesn’t mean that you have to approach new experiences with cynicism or a closed mind. In the last two years I have had more fun and done more interesting things than ever before. After being hurt worse than I had ever been hurt before – I could have closed myself off and retreated into myself. But instead, I tried new things and believed optimistically that maybe some of them would be fun. It certainly hasn’t always worked out or paid off – but it certainly works out more often than not.

In November-ish of 2020 I started attempting to date after my divorce. I went on a date with someone that was the exact OPPOSITE of my “type”. We only went on two dates but he said something to me that I thought was very poignant. He told me that at first I should just say yes and try things. Find out what I really love and what I really don’t like about other people while just enjoying other human beings. That way I would be able to see a variety of great traits – whether or not I ended up liking certain men or not – I would be able to see the whole array of positives that people had to offer. I went to restaurants I’d never been to before, had some amazing and fun conversations with people in a variety of careers, and got to see the “best” parts of a lot of people. Is there a better way to “bounce back” after seeing the worst of the worst from the person that you loved the most – than to get to see the best of other people and to see how much people still have to offer? What a win. A less optimistic person would have probably written off men and crawled into a hole full of tequila and chocolate (I mean come on I did some of that too but not for long enough to move into the hole).

The fourth trait on the list is “Trust – Even though a survivor has dealt with negative circumstances, he still finds people he can trust. He doesn’t shut himself off from contact.“ I have always had a very small circle. I’m personable and talkative – but I don’t trust blindly. During my ex-husband’s accident, and my divorce – I found out quickly who my real friends were. And they were AMAZING! When I think of my commutes to and from work with two colleagues and dear friends during the Summer of 2019 – I literally get misty-eyed (and I am NOT a big crier). Those two amazing women picked my confidence up when I needed it the most – they supported me every step of the way in my heartbreaking and slow and deliberate decision-making process. They were the calm in the eye of my hurricane who kept me from being swept into the water. They listened when I needed an ear, gave me a shoulder to cry on, gave me rides to work when I was too depressed to drive myself, and took me out for drinks when necessary. Several of my other closest friends outside of work also came through in the clutch – never judging and always supporting me. We had Kung Fu movie and Degrassi Junior High watch-a-thons, shopping trips, barbeques, Jameson shots, and they helped me sell all of my worldly possessions at a garage sale, and checked on me when I needed them to. They never judged me, let me go through my emotions, and had my back no matter what.

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When you divorce a dangerous narcissist, there’s a lot of behind-the-scenes fear. A lot of our mutual friends had heard a lot of falsehoods about me for years before it was revealed that my husband was cheating on me or stealing from me. As a result – they had a skewed version of the truth. Cutting them out of my life not only made my life easier, safer, and more productive – but it also made my life and my mind much quieter. It became possible for me to focus on the people that really mattered and were worth trusting. My circle is now very small – but it is tight. For the first time in my entire life I KNOW and FEEL exactly how much I’m cared for by those that matter. Real two-way trust has allowed me to experience deep and meaningful trusting friendships. Those relationships will help me weather any storm that comes after the hurricane of emotion that was 2018-2020.

The last trait on the list is “Resilience – A survivor is not easily defeated. When bad things happen, he takes a problem-solving attitude rather than a defeated stance.“ One of my oldest friends once jokingly told me that I must have come across some sort of a cursed Monkey’s Paw in my youth that’s led to the often comical series of insane and unfortunate events that have happened to me over the last three decades. I believe in laughing through and about hardship. I also believe that hardship makes or breaks a person. I have ALWAYS had a very stubborn streak. I am often resilient merely out of stubbornness or spite. When my house burned down in college, everyone (my parents included), thought that I should drop out for a semester instead of deal with the stress. But I was in a program where I couldn’t just pick up in the fall – it would be a whole year before I could continue where I left off. Instead – I gritted my teeth, survived for 17 weeks on $250, and refused to let it beat me. It was the only semester of my academic career up to that point that I earned straight A’s. Spite and stubborn resilience can lead to great outcomes if you’re careful not to burn yourself out.

Resilience is something that every “Survivor” that I have ever met all have. However – some survivors have ONLY resilience. They made it through their struggles but they also became closed off, pessimistic, angry, loners who stopped seeking out the joy that life, friendships, career, or relationships have to offer. It may sound absolutely crazy – but I’m not sure that I would go back in time and change very much. In Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol Jacob Marley says, “I wear the chain I forged in life,” … “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will…”

When you’ve had challenges in your life, you can lug them around like Jacob Marley’s heavy chain, or you can use those hardships and lessons as bricks to create a strong foundation. Resilience will help you to get through ANYTHING. You grit your teeth, put one foot in front of the other, take the hits, slog forward through the mud and get it done. Whether or not you use those heavy bricks to build the foundation of something new and amazing that leads to happiness – or you lug them around in a bookbag angrily is up to you. The possibilities for what you can choose to build are endless.

Being a survivor is only the first step. Certainly it’s the most important step. It’s the first motion you have to take to get out of the darkness of the cave of trauma or depression. But it’s only the FIRST step of many. And if ALL you want to do is survive – I suppose you can just stop right there with one foot outside of the cave. But surviving WELL – means you have to take a second, third, fortieth, and five-thousandth step. Those are the steps that lead to surviving well – surviving happily – and eventually thriving with newfound confidence and hope. If you can look back on your experiences and laugh at how ludicrous the journey has been and can say that you survived WELL – it’s way more valuable than merely making it. Living well is what makes survival worth it.