Crazy tales of an aging goth kid on the front lines of education, perseverance, living, learning, and surviving after starting over. and over. and maybe over again….You have to laugh or you'll cry. Please read with a grain of salt as everything posted here is not meant to be overly serious. Opinions are my own and only represent my own weird thinking. If you have a short attention span I apologize – I write my posts like they're journal articles and I climb WAYYYYYY high up on a skyscraper before I drop a mic.
If you google the phrase, “Tips for being a successful leader if you are an introvert”, in 0.30 seconds there are 18.9 million results. On the flip side, googling “Tips for being a successful leader if you are an extrovert”, in 0.30 seconds only 28.1 million results pop up. Even if you just take a look at the first few top articles that pop up, on the introverted side most of the articles are written from the standpoint of “overcoming” your introverted tendencies. How to be “less yourself” to fit into the perceived demands of a leadership role. Tips for “Recharging” in your personal life so that you have the energy to lead during your professional life. Meanwhile, the articles for extroverts have a more positive tone regarding “leveraging your strengths to achieve your professional goals”, or simply list out all of the positive attributes that extroverts have that allegedly make them innately suited to leadership roles. None of the articles that I found in a quick cursory search were geared toward “toning yourself down for the sake of those that you lead”, or “how to be more introverted”, while the introvert articles were almost all geared to how a person could adjust their natural tendencies/preferences to be more “appealing” to their team or to “fit in better” rather than mentioning any of the strengths that introversion might bring to a role. The one exception tended to be the trait of being a good listener – which is consistently mentioned as an important trait for impactful leaders to have (and a strength of introverts); and was mentioned as one area where some extroverts have to intentionally focus as it may not just come “naturally”. I would not describe myself as either completely introverted or extroverted. I recently came across a new word: AMBIVERT. I first experienced the word in a LinkedIn Post from a colleague who had shared it from Eric Partaker.
Partaker’s graphic doesn’t directly address leaders – in fact it is a cheat sheet FOR leaders on how to engage their quieter or more introverted employees. As a person, and as a leader, I am a proud Ambivert. I can easily give a presentation to a crowded room with minimal nerves and be relatively engaging (at least per the PD surveys I’ve gotten back), but I can also be quiet and deeply reflective and disengage from overly boisterous social scenarios. Extroversion does not come natural to me – I can utilize those skills when a situation calls for it in order to get a job done or to lead by example, but I would much rather be on the sidelines than in the game or the star of the show. This really puts me in the minority when I am in a room full of traditional leaders.
When I was a kid, I also had this chameleon-like quality. I was just as content to sit in the basement alone and put together a puzzle, read one of my mom’s Nancy Drew books, or color than I was in ballet class or performing in a dance or piano recital. I wasn’t “shy” and would volunteer in class to answer questions or read out loud or hang my work on the wall; but I didn’t prefer activities like being in classroom skits or playing solos or having all of the attention on me. If I was a member of a group, I did my part (or sometimes everyone else’s) to make sure that the job got done well but didn’t necessarily want to be the star of the show. I always wanted good grades and good feedback, but I never really (and still don’t) prefer when given feedback in front of a crowd. To this day, I prefer to get good news in private where I won’t feel eyes watching my reaction. (When I was waiting to find out if I got my first assistant principal position, the only place in the building that I could find to take the call was a closet in the art teacher’s empty classroom. In the dark I listened to the voicemail offering me the job and I jumped up and down fist-pumping silently (accidentally knocking over some packages of red construction paper in the process); then I fixed my face and walked calmly out of the closet, to the copy machine, and no one was any the wiser about how happy I was. As I have gained more leadership experience, I have learned how to handle both public praise and criticism with less anxiety, but it’s always easier when there’s forewarning. For instance, if I know that I will be brought up in a positive way at a School Board Meeting and can prepare to react I am far more confident and comfortable. Due to this, I always try to warn my own teachers when something is coming – either positive or negative because I know how uncomfortable that I can be when I’m getting feedback (or am simply being mentioned) in a way that isn’t entirely private.
There are drawbacks to being a pretty private person – one of them is always being accused of being “aloof”, “condescending”, “too serious”, “cold”, or “uncaring”. I once received professional feedback that my staff perceived me as being “cold and uncaring”, and I once had a union complaint that I “don’t smile enough”. While I never felt that those comments were fair, I did reflect upon them because people’s perceptions become their reality. I show my staff that I care in the ways that suit my style (I bake for them and make handmade Christmas gift displays, and use the shoutout board). But that’s MY style – to discount theirs isn’t inclusive. I am NOT a potluck person – I just don’t like them. I feel like if I invite people over then I should provide them with their nourishment not make them bring their own. (Plus there’s never enough food and everyone brings dessert and then there’s nothing to actually eat). But my team LOVES a good potluck. They put up a signup sheet and commit to bringing dishes to celebrate right before school breaks or around holidays. I have NEVER signed up – but I do wait until the day beforehand and see what no one is bringing (almost always a main dish lol!), and surprise them with it the next day without making it known who brought it. I brought 2 crock pots of Italian Beef with rolls for sandwiches the last time, so everyone had something hot to eat. I “participated” without participating. They got what they needed (food, gratitude, and a HOT meal), and I got to make sure that I got what I needed out of it – casual/on-the-fringes, non-public, non-committal participation. Just because something isn’t your style doesn’t mean you can’t “suck it up” and do something intentionally kind that others DO need or respond to.
Many schools and communities now have Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion committees. The concept that all people should feel welcome in public schools, universities, and workplaces is an important one. Public schools are diverse spaces full of students (and staff) from varying cultural, racial, socioeconomic, societal, and ability backgrounds. Valuing one another’s diversity (whether it be through recruitment, promotions, or other ways) could be considered the first “step” in creating an inclusive environment. For instance, if there is no diversity within your staff how can you ever even get to the equity and inclusivity portions? One could argue that once you have hired more female school leaders, the next step is equitably paying them. On average, female school superintendents are not only less common but those that exist are generally paid less. In 2022, the ILO group released the following statistics:
So – not only are there fewer female superintendents (many of whom are paid less than their equally credentialed male counterparts), but many are elevated within their current districts without being able to break into new roles as easily. So, external hires that are men are outpacing female’s external superintendency offers as well.
Even in scenarios where Diversity and pay Equity exist – how are we ensuring the Inclusivity part of DEI? Not just at the macro levels of gender, race, and cultural background, but in what I refer to as the “diversity of the mind”? How are we failing to include people through “super-tiny-not-quite-microaggressions-but-exclusionary practices”? A great challenge of leadership (and teaching) is leading who you HAVE not who you ARE. This year, I went to the IASA annual conference because I was invited to attend for free to accept a scholarship. It truly was an inspirational conference, and I learned a ton from amazing practitioners. However, the imposter syndrome was real. The conference is “meant for” superintendents - not assistant principals. So even though I had earned a scholarship for my superintendency certification program, and that everyone that I met was wildly supportive and welcoming – the act of walking into the room was intimidating. Everywhere I looked there was a sea of black and navy-blue suitcoats on men (mostly over 45), with a smattering of (mostly blonde-haired mid-40’s) women. I intentionally sat at a table with an African American woman who was wearing bright colors and had leopard print glasses – because I felt that we might be kindred spirits. At one point, as the officials from IASA were standing in a line in front of the stage about to be introduced, I asked the woman “Why do you think all those people are lined up over there by the stage?” She responded, “I’m not sure there’s nothing on the program – but did you notice how they all look alike except for the one woman in line and she’s last in line – I don’t like that.” She wasn’t wrong. But it also made me reflect upon the event itself.
Even with all Courtney & Kate’s cheerleading in my head, and all my own experience with persistence and overcoming obstacles, I STILL hesitated at that conference door’s threshold. What could have been done intentionally to ensure that all newcomers felt welcomed? ”Assigned” tables? Tickets with seat numbers? Tables by region? It was already intimidating to walk into the room, but then to navigate the politics of “where should I sit because no one that I know is here and I don’t know the rules” added some (mostly self-imposed) anxiety. Who is left out when we make the assumption that everyone has the agency to choose the “correct” seat? Who is made to feel awkward when we don’t go through the motions of explaining the instructions for where we should sit, where to go for lunch, or where the restrooms are? Just like in a classroom we go through the instructions even if we think all the students know them – there is always someone who was absent or is new to the procedures. Shouldn’t we provide as much as possible without someone having to ask for what they need? I was recently scrolling twitter and saw a great comment by @SynthiaSalomon who said: “Being welcomed is an important aspect of the social contract between humans”. Just take it from Oscar Wilde:
“Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations”.
Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
So, if diversity and equity are the INVITATION, then inclusivity is feeling genuinely welcomed. As we talk about creating school cultures that are inclusive for our students and staff – it takes more than inviting everyone to the table – it means intentional decisions that WELCOME them into the activities, the conversations, and the ‘family’ that we create – and that KEEP them feeling included. As the young outsider teacher that was the only aging goth kid on staff, whose significant other was a musician, who was quiet, not into sports or March Madness, or going to Cubs games with my fellow teachers, I knew that I had my colleagues’ respect, and that they liked me, but I can’t say that I always felt welcomed or related to. When we had a staff Spirit Day themed: “Dress Like You Did in High School” – I can ASSURE you that I was the only one at Perspectives Charter School that rolled up looking like this (and I definitely felt weird about it!)
I took that feeling to heart when I moved into school leadership. I knew that I might not be comfortable at the basketball games (I’ll still go to it to support the kids), but my principal knows that I’m the one to call on when it’s time to wear a light up tutu butterfly costume at the Village’s Trunk or Treat! In fact, she encourages it! So, for every time that she knows that I’ll need to do something that isn’t the easiest for me, she makes sure that there’s an opportunity for me to shine. One of the many reasons I nominated her for the Illinois Principals’ Association Middle School Principal of the year this year! She takes Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion so seriously and passionately that she tunes in to all her people in a way that I really admire!
To truly create spaces where your “weirdos” feel safe and included, it means leading who you HAVE not who you are. Just like our staff, students need to feel seen and have trusted adults that intentionally reach out to them. As a leader, one intentional choice that I make is trying to truly get to know each new staff member as a human being first. That means listening to their stories, finding out about their hobbies, asking what artist did their tattoos, where they like to go on vacation, what they like to do outside of work, and most importantly what they HATE to do. No one can have their way all the time when it comes to Professional Development. Sometimes we have to do a sit-and-get training or a staff meeting. But we CAN intentionally ask the art teacher who mostly keeps to themselves to design the powerpoint background and give them credit for it. We CAN ask the very quiet school librarian to share her idea for “What Am I Reading Posters” with the staff at that staff meeting? It’s about intentionally finding that way that a staff member can connect and be included and then BUILDING the bridge (and maintaining it so it doesn’t crumble). It shouldn’t be up to people to try to force their way to the table or across the bridge. INVITE them into the room and let them know that their way is valued. Once you build an inclusive staff – then you can spread those inclusivity methods throughout your student body.
When it comes to intentionally seeking out and connecting with and including people in a crowd does anyone say it better than Jeff in Almost Famous?
Once you build an inclusive staff – then you can spread those inclusivity methods throughout your student body.
At a previous school, we used a student survey called the Equal Opportunities Schools Survey. It was meant to identify students from typically underserved communities for honors and AP courses to increase campus equity. However, the survey also had an important social-emotional component. One of the questions asked students to identify a trusted adult on staff as well as an adult that they related to. When the results came out, we now had access to some especially important information. Now we had lists of students who identified certain individuals that they really trusted. As an A.P. if I had a student disciplinary concern, now I knew who else to invite to the meeting with the student. Someone that they trusted and who knew would listen to their concerns. It showed us which students related to and had positive relationships with what staff members so that we could intentionally create student schedules, activities, and opportunities for them to interact with one another. As a high school student, it would have been a game changer for me to be able to interact with the Chemistry teacher (she was young, single, lived in the Belmont and Clark neighborhood, had streaks in her hair, and listened to Sleater Kinney). I RELATED to her – but I doubt she ever knew it. I had her for one semester and then never really interacted on that side of the building again. If I had taken the survey and my counselor had had the results of my EOS survey, she could have intentionally placed my locker outside of that teacher’s room to start my day in a positive way. I could’ve seen myself represented and had more interactions with the kind of adult that made me feel welcomed at school. The EOS survey gave us powerful information to create social work groups for students intentionally, and it also revealed students that identified NO trusted adults OR adults that they related to. Now we had a list of students that we could reach out to and TALK TO, listen to, and invite to events or classes in which they would excel. We had the TOOLS to create a bridge. It should NOT be up to the staff members or the students to feel like an outsider AND create their own invitation to the party AND just join in when the party date comes.
How are you reaching out to your “weirdos”? To those students or staff members who don’t automatically participate. To those staff or students who come in and do their job every single day but don’t necessarily stand out. Or to those that DO stand out (because they have wild makeup or fashion choices that aren’t traditional), but don’t have others like them in the building? Diversity and equity – despite the challenges facing us in this area – can be addressed “easily” (easily isn’t the right word but hear me out). We can hire diverse candidates and pay them equally and then create policies to ensure that we’re doing that. But INCLUSION is a fluid, ongoing, constant, and ever-changing CHOICE that requires unique actions that change from month to month or year to year depending upon the unique aspects of the WHOLE individuals on your staff or student body. Are you finding and creating genuine relationships, friendships, mentorships, and opportunities for your “Eeyores”? (Hot take – they’re not always sad, they aren’t pessimists, but they do tend to keep a little more to themselves)
Recent research indicates that there is a worldwide loneliness epidemic. While the pandemic may have exacerbated it, it was already in the works. Since the 1980’s the Japanese have identified a population referred to as hikikomori (shut ins), who withdraw entirely from society. In Japan, this coupled with an aging population may lead to dire consequences for the economy in addition to serious mental health concerns. In the United States, the American Academy of Pediatrics has declared a national emergency in youth and adolescent mental health. One aspect that both the US and Japanese mental health crises have in common is a lack of connection, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. An important fact to note regarding the hikikomori, per the CNN article above, a rising percentage of them are people between the ages of 35-50. (sounds like the age of the bulk of the workforce/your staff). Both your students and staff members spend a large majority of their waking hours in a school building. If we want to prevent loneliness, isolation, bullying (much of which is an off shoot of forming poor peer relationships, having low self-esteem, or copying bullying behaviors witnessed in the home), we have an obligation to create inclusive, welcoming, and safe spaces for our teachers to work and our students to learn. I recently talked to Charle Peck on her podcast, the Thriving Educator. One of the topics we talked about is that to truly end bullying we need to disincentive the behaviors that motivate bullies by removing the social “rewards” of those behaviors (awards, attention, promotions, etc.). Additionally, we need to CELEBRATE the behaviors that inspire kindness, inclusivity, and self-belief. However, without intention, we can’t expect these things to happen by accident. Behind every healthy family, workplace, school district, or classroom there are daily decisions being made to ensure that not only does everyone have a seat at the table, but that that seat is cozy. What can you do today to make someone’s seat a little more comfortable, even if you need to stand up for a few seconds?
Like a Phoenix Rising 